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What is Too Many Lovers?

Jul 20, 2021

Post From Torayanita | A guest author at Progressive Love Academy

Among those who are aware of Open Relationships, there are several questions that continuously arise in seeking to understand this way of relating:

Why do 'you people' [open relators] feel the need to have so many lovers?

Is it based on an unquenchable thirst to feel needed? Do you have a constant need for sex? Are you addicted to sex? Does it make you feel powerful to be loved by multiple people? And how do you logistically handle/manage all of these different people?

My response was another question:  How many lovers is “so many lovers”?  It varies based on what one feels one can personally handle, I suppose. But it is important to understand that when people ask “why” another person feels the need to do something, it says more about the person asking the question than it does about the person being asked about. What it really says is “I believe in doing things ‘this’ way and you are contradicting my beliefs and it makes me uncomfortable”.

If you are a person who has these questions in your mind about open relationships, it may serve you well to "empty your cup" if you really seek to understand. If you are holding things in your mind about what is “right” and what is “natural” and what is “righteous” then that will color and distort whatever answer you receive from those who feel open relating is right for them. Try to let go of preconceived notions which is of course no easy task) and ask 'why' in the spirit of pure interest and seeking to understand, as opposed to demanding someone prove why this is necessary - for them.

I don't have multiple lovers right now but I picture myself as having many one day. I plan to travel all around the world and meet new people. These people are beautiful and wise and have lessons to offer me. As I admire their beauty, I will be drawn to them and will want to be close to some of them in mind, body, and spirit. There will be different degrees of closeness I desire to experience with each one of them. Some will last a few hours; others a few days; others a few years; and some will be long-term partners. All of them, I would consider my lovers.

In addition to traveling, I picture my headquarters will be a community of people of like mind. That's when the management part of the questioning comes in. If I have 13 different lovers that live within a few miles of me and 6 more that are scattered across the globe, the way I'd "manage" them is:

Number one all my lovers will have other lovers so their life will always be full of love and intimacy. If I had a lover and I was their one and only source of adult female intimacy they may feel as if they are starved emotionally and would probably request to see me more than I would want to honor.

Number two my lovers will all be different.  I'd appreciate different things about them. One of them might be a really funny person so I'd go see them to cheer me up and make me laugh. One might be a great singer so I'd go to them when I need some sound vibration healing. One might looove children so I'd go to them when my children needed some adventure and physical activity. One might share my love of video and board games and play with me. One might be multilingual and well traveled so I'd go to them for guidance on how to speak and act abroad.

Of course, these are surface things that speak to very basic personality traits; easy to identify.  Relationships are much more complex.  For instance, these lovers have different reasons for loving me and different things they are learning from me. So I'm really not the one managing. My role is to tell the person “I'd like this from you” then I wait in line until it's time/it’s my turn.

Number three is I'd follow my feelings to see how much time I'd like to spend with each person. I may spend the night with one person three nights a week while others may see me once every other week. Out-of-town lovers may see me once or twice a year ~shrugs~ it will all happen organically and it's going to depend on what I'm in the mood for at that time. One of the most important nuances is there will be no obligations.

This is a huuuuge shift from current relationship dynamics, where we are obligated to maintain relationships by calling, texting, and seeing each other periodically to maintain the connection. These things are necessary because people have attachments to maintaining the connection. I don’t think I will have that attachment; I don’t think it serves me well.

Granted, I've never lived this way, and I don’t know for sure if I will ever get to this point. The first step is to have a handful of lovers that live in my city and surrounding area.  This article is my attempt to paint a picture of how a life with many lovers can look and some of the reasoning behind why they would live that way.

Do share your thoughts.  But most important, keep an open mind.  Why not use creativity to create the kind of relationships we desire?

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